Reinventing the Exit|
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No Disclaimer's LiveJournal:
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|Sunday, March 18th, 2007|
Drop that bomb and get your hand of the trigger because God is ready to rock your world.
I've come to learn something over the past two months; the defenition of a season. For about two months I've gone through a season of burning, screaming, and a genocide of every joy that I had in my life. But I learned I could fall farther and I did.
There were moments where I was like: "Oh this has to be over. I feel better." But I was fooling myself. Truth was I was looking for things in the wrong places. I was looking for things in the world. But I couldn't find myself or what I'd lost.
On Saturday night, I made, what you might call a bet with God that when something to the effect God *expletive expletive expletive* I am serious. If I don't get it back. If I don't have this back together by the end of Sunday night then I am walking away, no disclaimers on my part or yours.
Secretly? I thought, Psh, yeah God's going to take me seriously with that. I was actually thinking that he wasn't going to show. He proved me wrong and he did. Guess he did listen. Or was listening. Always was.
God is ready to rock my world. And your world. I didn't do to well these last few weeks but I got things back on track now. Jesus Freak. HXC Christian. Whatever you want to call me, go ahead, beacause most likely it's true.
Ready to Rock? I am. So expect amazing things.
No one gets my name. So I'll explain. God is a God of no disclaimers. No fine print. Everything is out there for you to look over. "I have amazing plans and blessings for you all I want? Everything. For if you keep your life, you'll lose it, but if you lose your life, you'll gain it." Once you have that, there's no fine print of: Oh, and you have to be perfect and never mess up or I'm taking all of this back. I signed my name or he did in a book for life.
I'm serious God's going TO ROCK MY WORLD! Current Mood: Jesus Freakish
|Tuesday, March 13th, 2007|
Lithium is an antidepressent and it is know for being incredibly addictive. Most doctors won't perscribe it anymore cause it has such a dramatic effect and it is so addicting. But it's definetly a mood stabilizer.
Thought I should explain that before I go into a whole analougous spiel about it. I write this way so it can be open for interpretation and so that no one gets all 'eh' about what's written. Or offended cause it's not all politically correct.
I'll inject lithium into my thoughts by now to stabalize them and balance them. The glaze over and fight them. But when the buzz is gone I'm left back at square one. Little lithium doses of things, people, places, words, and sounds. But lithium is dead.
The line has turned global and wrapped around a vast outcasted land of a run-down city, left after a long battle. It'll take time to rebuild, but with the light once again, building can begin. Or start in some cases.
Smile at that thought now. God loves you. God is undeniable. God is there. Can you forget who he is? Yes. Can you ignore him? Yes. Can you escape him? No. He's everywhere. So run to him not away. It's hard to run from air.
Are we just addicted to lithium after all? Aren't many of us? Lithium leaves a bitter taste in your mouth and a burning on your tounge. So fall and smile. And leave your "pills" behind.
Lithium sucks. God's better. Current Mood: There.
|Monday, March 12th, 2007|
I'm bleeding for this sensibility to find myself in a senseless worldly place. Ever wish you could skip to the ending and see how things added up in the end. Like a spiral ruling over you. When did I get so poetic? Dang, all my last entries seem to all poetic and stuff. Oh well.
I suffocate myself in you as the light draws the life from me. Your holding onto my heart tight. The scars remained and remind me still of the pain that haunts my memory. I’m open again. Feeling the weight is lifting, I know, my world is ending. I'll be the cancer to this quaint social scene and I'll make sure you're all happy before I leave. Bang. My stitches are splitting at the seams and my heart is bleeding for you. Because all I need is you.
Dude, sounds dark and depressing. But they've left by now. They're gone. Illiterate morons.
To sum it up? My darkness is ending and I see the thin golden line on the horizion. Through the night and rains that lasted for so long, I hear whispers: "I'm with you." That's good enough till I see the sun again. Till I can taste the warmth and leave howling at the moon behind. [werewolf analogies. ohyeah.]
God's coming and he's coming fast. I'll be ready. I'm ready for the fire again. It's coming.
"I'm still with you..." Current Mood: Getting There
|Saturday, March 3rd, 2007|
Is it okay to lie? To hurt yourself if you know it hurts others? To say things you don't mean. Or am I just making little concious desicions that are tearing me apart. This life has drained me of all that I once had and I feel dry and broken, lying face-down in the middle of the highway, bleeding. Waiting for fire. Waiting for faith to come my way.
God promised that in times where I lack faith, he'll give it to me. I'm waiting for that. Right now, I'll bleed. I'll fall.
Fall away cause life scares me too much. I'll turn away and hide my face from it. I'll lie and tell them that I'm okay. When in truth only a few people have seen past that now and to what I'm going through.
Youth leaders, four close friends and God. I'm ready for you. Surgery hurts when you're under the knife, the doctor forget to stabalize your heartbeat. Squirm as the play around inside of you, laughing at your pain.
Life sucks sometimes. Let's face it. Or even better. Let's "faith" it. Puns suck too by the way. Current Mood: by life.
|Tuesday, February 13th, 2007|
Yeah. She is.
I'm the luckiest guy in the world I'm thinking. She's the greatest. I love her so much. Sometimes I don't exacly know how to say that thought but I hope she knows I do. I'm gonna look after her.
God really was showing off when he made her.
I think that's one of God's favorite words. You know. I felt like crap on Monday but by the end of that day, I felt satisfied. God didn't fail me. But it was at the point when I had held out. I had "run the race" and was losing momentum. That's when God filled me again. And turned the dry into quenched.
I'm higher now. In the presence where the blind can see. I'm ready to serve. I'm ready.
Thank you God.
MATTHEW 16:24 rocks by the way. Current Mood: satisfied
|Monday, February 12th, 2007|
I can't lie.
Lately I've been feeling like crap and I really can't hide it for much longer. I hate depression and I hate despair. I feel like I clawing at the sky and tearing rips in between the stars. I feel empty. I feel unsatisifed. I feel broken. I feel like I'm bleeding.
I know I'm the culprit. I know that I'm addicted to lithium and that the addiction is impossibly hard to break. I'm not letting God in anymore cause I secretly feel that deep down I can handle it all. I can't. My thoughts are screaming for your God and my body's numb without you here. I know I've pushed you out.
I'm selfish. I have a bad temper, when I get mad, I break things, I smash things, I scream and blast music to drown out my thoughts. I know I'm hopless. Alot of people have lost faith in me. God still has faith in me? I have faith in God so I know he has faith in me too. That I'm not hopless.
I'm rambling but it's okay. God reads my live journal and whatever I scribble on my heart that day with my rusted pen. Earthquakes. Sharks. Killer Bees. No shade. No trees. I'll get there.
Watch me. I'll get back. "God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us." Current Mood: okay
|Sunday, January 28th, 2007|
To retreat is taken as a negative but in all senses, that's exacly what I needed to do. I'd been caught up in a rut that I feel into by my own thinking. School put things on me that I really didn't need and I was collapsing under the pressure. To just get away, a hundred miles from the city and just be under the cold gray sky in the snow, was what I needed and what I got.
I'm in a state of awe about God. Just thinking about him makes me stop and feel like I'm back at Winter Retreat; where God was active. But God's active everywhere. Speaking and loving.
I was asking for prayers to be answered that God had already answered. I didn't notice though. I was too caught up in trying to be perfect.
I learned this week that at our retreat, none of us are perfect. We have our quirks and our problems but even in that, God still loves us. Where we're at and who we are.
Perfection isn't needed. That's what Grace is. Current Mood: Awe
|Wednesday, January 3rd, 2007|
God likes doing this one thing called "getting you out of your comfort zone." And speaking honestly, its not always the easiest things to do but it's one of the better things in life.
He sometimes makes you do things you'd rather not; answer the phone when you'd rather not talk, talk to that person that you know is broken beyond the world's repair, go somewhere you wouldn't normally go, stand up for the underdog that the world's given up on.
Easy living, you ain't got much to say. Easy dying, hey, you look just about the same. Would you please take me off your list for easy living. Where you going to go?
A lot of things God's been having me do lately confuse me but I'll do them with the faith that it'll have some dramatic impact later. I already know that those little things do. Current Mood: nostalgic
|Tuesday, December 19th, 2006|
|Rebirthing. Remix. Revised.
There's one person that's been such a postive influence on my life; and I don't even know if they know that. They invited me to church. Not just like a normal thing, but constantly. Persistently. Until I'd give in a go. They'd just show love to me when I was living in a time of my life when everything was just falling apart. And he was doing Christ's will for his life the entire time. I saw Christ through them for the first time maybe.
Now. Remix. Rebirth. Revise.
About a year later, and my life's been changed drastically. Everything in it and all I can think about sometimes is how I can tell people about Christ. God's funny I discovered.
Now I bug one of my friends, and others but this one mainly, about coming to chruch. Coming to youth group. Coming to bible study. And I do my best to show this guy Chirst. The ironic part: I've switched roles with the first person. Now I'm it that one's shoes. And I know how they felt.
The love. The compassion. The pulling. The desperation to see them change. And the complete joy you feel when you know something's moving. Let's see this work out.
Remix it. Rebirth it. Revise it. Pass it on. So on. That's what we're called to do after all. Pass it on. Take our love for Christ and have it overflow onto others so they have it too. If we all did that; our world would tottaly be: Remixed. Rebirthed. and Revised. Current Mood: peaceful
|Tuesday, December 12th, 2006|
|Stop Killing My Generation.
I went to Aquire the Fire over the weekend and it was awesome! Like really, really awesome. I got alot out of it that I wasn't expecting to get. I got the tickets and was like: It'll be like Harvest Crusade right? Music. Message. Getting Closer to God. Yeah, it had all of those things but it had so much more.
The first night; I prayed that God would speak to me through something in the message or songs. He did; but it was when I was thinking; Maybe he just doesn't have anything to say.
The world just seems to be all about that now-a-days. Branding you. Eveything. From the clothes you wear, to the things you say, to how you act, and what you drink. Sure we say: I'm just being what I want to be. But every think that maybe your being who they want you to be and telling yourself that it's what you want? Even though I am a Jesus Freak; things had branded me, without me even thinking about it. So I gave it up.
All of it.
All of things that branded me and gave me an identity set apart from Christ. My only brand now: God. God is all I live for and the only one who's worth living for too. To tell the world abour Christ.
I'm in the 4% of evangelistic Christians, forever.
So I learned something else. Our generation is being killed. By corporations and big-name buisness who seek a profit off our destruction. So I'm fed up with them. We need to take back what is our generation. Stop letting movies, music, celebrities, and magazines tell you what "the look" is. How to be sexy. How to get that guy/girl. How to be accepted. Drop them.
So hey: MTV, VH1, BET, Vougue, Victoria's Secret, Seventeen, and all you other comapines that seek to tell us what is in, what the look is, and all that. Could you do us a favor...?
STOP KILLING OUR GENERATION!
|Thursday, November 30th, 2006|
Right now I'm reading Psalms and I have to say it's one of my favorite books. It's just has a wide range of emotions. Like I'll be having a down day and I can instantly find a Psalms that says how I feel. God must have been thinking that when Solomon wrote it.
Sometimes, God uses the bible to talk to us instead of his actual words. I really like that. I'll just be flipping through it and I'll find a verse or something that just hits home. I have three favorite verses:
Psalms 27:1 - "The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is my stronghold of life; of whom shall I be afraid?" I love this one cause it's just a strong power summed up in a few words. God's watching out for you; what'd you got to worry about?
Matthew 6:33 - "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you." I use this one a lot when I'm just at a loss of what to do. Seek God first and everything else will fall into place.
3 John 4: "I have no greater joy that to hear that my children are living in the truth." God takes great joy and pride in all those who seek after and follow him.
Go read the Handbook to Life people. It makes life a lot less complicated.
|Thursday, November 23rd, 2006|
I've been thinking, which I do often and I made a list of memories that are really awesome for me. A few of them are big things and a few of them are little ones but they're all precious to me.
Summer 06' when I became a Jesus Freak. That has to be the best one out of all of them. All the emotions and all the peace I never felt before. That's something that I'm not going to forget...ever. As I go on I'll always keep that in mind that "I don't belong here." To quote Switchfoot; I'll carry the cross and sing a song where I don't belong.
Me Destiny, Paul and Mariah (Destiny's sister) were in Destiny's car driving back from her party at the beach. We were in this residential district and Paul decided to do something he called: "Street Witnessing." Where basically he stuck his head (and half of his body) out of the window and started sharing the good news of Christ's death and ressurection. I got into it and we spent fifteen minutes just shouting out. Fun times.
Me, Grant and Catherine were crossing the street once to get to the Bradford House where we were working that night. Um...well J-Walking actually and we almost got hit by a cop car. That was fun stuff. Really freaky though. The cop must have thought that too cause he didn't give us a ticket or even stop. Glad God's watching out for us or else we coulda died!
I was at Harvest Crusade with Kristina and Ruthie. Nuff said. Good music. Great (more than great) message. That was a time that I won't forget. I still owe Kristina money for that T-shirt though. Amplify God's glory to everyone.
Staying up late with Brittney, Paul, Brittney, and Kevin at Kevin's house. That was fun. We watched V for Vendetta and threw food at eachother and talked about God. Good times. Good times.
I went to camelot with Matt, Christian, Catherine, Josh, Tsuki, Grant, Lexi, and Kristina. That was fun stuff. We all played miniature golf but mostly just threw the balls around the court. Then one went into the fountain and we went fountain swimming. That was good. Then we all switched jackets for random reasons and took pictures. We went a played Lazer Quest and that was fun. Forget who won but we were all running around like crazy. Then the empidemy of it, when we all tried to squeeze into a photobooth and take pictures. We managed don't ask. We everyone else went home and it was just me and Kristina, we had the coolest Jesus Freak talk ever.
I could go on and on but there all just little things that you probably can't see all the fun in. I can though. God's given me alot and that's why I give everything I have for him. He died for me, So I live for him. Keep living intentionally guys. Carry a cross and sing a song where you don't belong.
God Bless. Current Mood: Blessed
|Sunday, November 19th, 2006|
|The Balancing Act.
Live's been difficult for the past two months. My family's going through alot of stuff and it's definetly been a test of faith for me. Still, I find that in situations like this it's best that you trust that God has it all worked out for the best. I look back on things now in my past and see how my life was leading up to the Summer of 06' where I became a Jesus Freak. Small decisions I made hit it in the long run.
God's awesome like that.
Trying to find time to answer to higher calling that Christ calls me for, and still dealing with the normal things teenagers go through. It's about priorities. School's important. I love my friends. Alyssa's beautiful. But God still has that top spot in my life. Sorry guy's. I know you understand.
Trust God guys, it's the only way to live. Current Mood: for Christ
|Saturday, November 11th, 2006|
Music rocks. I love music. I love playing guitar. My fingers are all caulloused. But getting back, music has such a dominant impact in my life and everyone elses. Think about it, when your sad you listen to a sad song and when you're happy you listen to something upbeat. Here's a hint: When you're sad, listen to a happy song. I know there's songs that changed my life. Here they come!
All For Love - Hillsong United
They played this song on the first night of camp. I was still not a Jesus Freak back then but something about this song pulled me. For the first time, I actually worshiped when I sang it. I lifted my hands to God and the words I said had a meaning behind it. A meaning that changed my life.
Shout Unto God - Hillsong United
This is probably one of the most powerful songs that I have ever heard. It's simple but at the same time, what it says cannot be denied. This is a warcry. The words are a cry of victory from the Christ's army. This song just changed me and my outlook on everything.
Let it Rain - ???
There's only two lines of to this song but it still moved through me. This was after God just took me into his arms and I let him into my life. The moment after. Where I was just bawling and cracking-up at the same time. This was the moment where I actually connected. It clicked. I loved.
There are tons more. Way to many to name. But let's get back. Isn't that what music is supposed to do. Stir something in you? Change you. Leave you with something that you didn't have before? Just something to think about. Current Mood: off God's Love
|Sunday, November 5th, 2006|
|It's Like Gravity's Make-Believe
It’s Like Gravity’s Make-Believe
Walking through this field of innocence and magic lands
I can almost feel like I could touch the angel’s wings
These heavy feet covered in dirt feel just a bit lighter
Chains broken; the weights lifted; like gravity’s imaginary
I’ve been caught in a never-ending vertical momentum
It’s like for the first time gravity’s imaginary again
As I walk across this world of sky-blue lines and ink
It’s like I found everything in those nails and that cross
Hands that caused the world to fall and chains to break
Faces upturned; the ink’s starting the dry finally
Feeling like the wolf on display for another day again
Yet I know that there’s something about their staring eyes
I find the pace across the roads of that make-believe land
Like the cry of the world caught up in a single choir aloud
The feeling of experience of all the walls about to fall
The rush begins and the rest just seems to fade to black
Everything felt as if the world had given up on all its law
The law to tell us that we could never fly above
Every pain that we’ve ever felt was nailed to that tree
The savior that conquered to finally let love it
We walked across this barren garden once before
But we found it again and it’s been reborn again
This feeling that’s gone against every natural law created
It’s like gravity’s make-believe once again Current Mood: thankful
|Friday, November 3rd, 2006|
|In You And I
I asked God for a passion for the unsaved. But with that passion came a sorrow as well. A sorrow for all the people who are unsaved. All the people around me.
I can only pray that God gives me the oppurunities and sparks the curiosities in the people.
I know he will. My savior can move the mountains and he is mighty to save.
|Sunday, September 24th, 2006|
Lately I've been going through a spiritual dry for several reasons. None that I wish to name but I'll just say reasons for the sake of lack-of-drama.
I've been praying to meet a Jesus Freak. A guy Jesus Freak. That I could become brothers with, so to speak. I started getting technical and asked for someone bigger and taller than me.
If you don't know me, I'm 6'3; 230lbs. I'm a big guy. And I wanted someone to look up to. Litterally and figurativley.
I decided to attend church instead of helping out with the youth ministry today. Good decision. I talked to God.
"Your looking for someone bigger than you. That you can confide in and look up to? I am bigger than you could ever imagine."
It was something like that.
I think I got what God's been saying for so long. And for the record...my spiritual dry is over.
God Bless Current Mood: cheerful
|Friday, September 22nd, 2006|
|What will people think?
What's being a Jesus Freak about? Being one, I thought deeply about what it meant to me.
Setting popular belief aside, being a Jesus Freak isn't about being at church everyday for hours. Don't get me wrong though, sometimes I am. I mean afterall, a church is just a building. A roof held up by walls. People are the real church.
It's about giving your everything to God and living your life for him. Setting aside selfish motives for a higher cause. And what higher cause is there than God?
It's about seeing everyday as an oppurtunity to change lives. To make a difference wherever you go. To be a light to the world.
It's about changing. I know first hand the changes that God makes in people. I know I've changed alot. People tell me it alot lately.
It's about becoming not of this world. You know those t-shirts? NOTW? That's what it's about. Not caring what the world thinks about you or says. Realizing that your gifts aren't on this earth. This world has nothing for you. All blessings are from God.
Being a Jesus Freak was the best things that I've ever done with my life. I've been given a joy that can only come from God.
Want it too? Current Mood: contemplative
|Wednesday, September 13th, 2006|
|The Story You Were In
I like stories. Stories are cool. But before tonight at Youth 180, I never thought of something. This is a story. My life is a story. A testimony. My story began when I was little and its continued throughout my life. Everything. But it only really starts to get good after the summer of 2006. That's when my story really began.
Tonight, my friend started his story and I hope that it'll continue on. I know it will. I have faith it will.
What will my story hold next? Who knows?! I want to keep turning the page so I can find out next. Won't you read my book with me? Current Mood: accomplished